I know that this post may be somewhat upsetting for my single reader who was really enjoying my review of shit-tastic music, but it's "turkey day, bishes" and I figured I should write about the holiday that, despite the war on obesity, continues to pop buttons and induce food-comas year after turkey-fisting year. It's a magical time of eating, thanking, drinking, eating, fisting, and apparently filling out applications for jury duty. It's basically christmas minus the presents and church, but drawing similarities between holidays is a crime against nature that I won't soon be committing.
We all know the history of Thanksgiving. Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue, some other stupid shit happened, and native americans graciously taught the pilgrims to fist turkeys as thanks for the blue beads and small pox. Now we have a vindictive serial-killer turkey running around killing white folks and making low-budget dark comedies. It's long been thought that creating tasteful art in honor of the great turkey will appease it and quell its thirst for human blood - well gobble gobble motherfuckers. Nobody makes stupid ass hand-turkeys after kindergarten and trillions of people suffer from tripp-toe-fan poisoning every holiday because of it. I know this doesn't much have anything to do with the average american's thanksgiving day, but my mind makes strange connections and I figured everybody should know that our eternal suffering is solely a result of our own ignorance. I recommend that it become standard practice to nail a paper hand-turkey to the door of every house celebrating thanksgiving to ward off the killer turkey, lest we all have our fathers killed and our girlfriends made-love-to by a psycho turkey.
Now back to talking about
I'm thankful for my family, my friends, and generally everything I've been given. All that has gone into making me the person I am today, except for MacBooks because they're pieces of shit that just happen to be impossible to type on efficiently. This has taken me more than twenty minutes to write because I have to keep going back and correcting myself. Happy thanksgiving everybody! Tell everybody around you how important they are in your life and remember to put p the paper turkey. I'm off to break this stupid computer and put together a huge celebration of the death of Steve Jobs!
"Raezak is a jewel, to set in the hearts of
honest men; but be careful that you do not take the
gifts of We and leave out the gratitude"
E.P. Powell
Raezak Am.
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