Izaak here.
You'll note that this is categorized as a "movie-goer's companion (of sorts)". I don't know exactly what the balls that would entail, but jut read along and find out for yourself. Why the hell did I put this disclaimer up. Worthless.
So I seem to have a tendency toward increasing delay between my blogging ideas and my actually blogging them. Problem? Probably. Probable solution? Pork rinds. It's not that I don't want to please the masses, I just can't find time for both blogging AND dressing up in a bear suit to scare summer-campers. Life, like typing on Macs, is just too unresponsive with its stupid aluminum casing and delicious apple logo. I watched this movie, like, a month ago and it's still fresh in my mind because of its compelling philosophies: "thou shalt run from whatever wants to eat thine ass" and "wolves are fucking scrumptious". That said, let's delve into the premise of this fine work of cinematic non-fiction.
The Grey is about a man, 'father uncompromisingly calm with kindness evoking reminiscence' or 'father always prepared and purveyor of evoking reminiscence' aka 'fucker' or 'fapper'. Though they were only created for the shits n' giggles of their titillating acronyms, the names actually work surprisingly well... Oh, and his name is "John Ottway"... aka Fapper. So Fapper is a dude who works on an oil...thing up in the godless, frozen, remote hell-hole commonly known as heaven. He is on his way back to wherever he is from when (ZOMG!) his plane crashes and his pathetic existence becomes a fight for survival. Against wolves. Millions of wolves. Ravenous, terrifying, granny-eating wolves, complete with big eyes, big teeth, fur, and nightgowns.
Now pop in the movie and follow along with Fapper as he realizes that life really sucks.
In our opening scene, we see that Fapper truly does live in heaven. It's a perpetually frozen wasteland of unfulfilled desires and lumberjacks. He stands alone, a god among lumberjacks, as the one person with the power to fend off those pesky Canis lupus. The power of guns. He and his trusty rifle(s) have been guarding the meek, tender-hearted miners-of-Unobtanium since the dawn of fucking time. Alone in his endeavor, he's learned from the wolves. Learned to respect them, learned to understand their behaviors and communications, learned to distinguish them from true grandmothers. The meek miners of Unobtanium ain't got shit on his knowledge base. In the night, Fapper goes off alone and, stoic, skilled, and well-dressed, decides to shoot himself in the face. But his gun doesn't go off. Tough shit, there's always next time.
The crew of miners and Fapper get on a plane, it's time to be chartered back to civilization. As the plane is de-iced, Fapper puts his guns in the overhead storage bins to comply with all sorts of TSA regulations and proceeds to sleep and dream about some crazy temptress who only wants him to be safe so she can harvest his soul. She whispers sweet nothings in his ear and he is awoken by the plane being ripped apart (way to ruin a good wet dream, weather). He wakes once more... on Hoth! Freezing temperatures, AT-AT's and wampas; Fapper needs to get his shit together and fast. He runs to the wreckage, searching for survivors and things useful for surviving (food, water, porn, etc...). He gets a group of minions together and begins delegating the gathering of moar stuffs when he happens upon a dying miner. He comforts him, telling the miner that the afterlife is a place where Unobtanium flows from the ground and the group watches as he breathes his last breath. Moment of silence... moar stuffs! A decent supply of stuffs is gathered and a suitable shelter is found. Then, nightfall...
Fapper, being a badass, keeps searching for survivors despite the lack of lighting. He sees movement near some fiery wreckage. *this scene disturbed my tits off* Upon closer examination, he finds a "woman" struggling to stay alive. She's strapped into a seat and gasping like a fish, but a fish on drugs. She also looks remarkably simiar to Otzi the Iceman, AS A FUCKING MUMMY. For whatever reason, Fapper isn't even slightly deterred by the fact that this "woman" looks like a leathery mummy that has been preserved in ice for several millennia, she's gasping like a tripped out fish, and she's undulating as though she were being forcibly entered by the abominable snowman. He just walks right on up, hoping to add a "lady" friend to their rankings because his lady-friend is only in it for the souls. Gets up to her and, guess what, her skull is being eaten out from behind by a big ol' wolf. Yep. WTF, amirite? So scary. Fight ensues bla bla bla people come and beat the wolf off his arm.
Man 1 "zomg what was that!?"
Fapper "a wolf"
Man 2 "a whaaaaaaaaa????"
Fapper " a wolf"
Man 3 "buhwhaaaaaaaaa???????"
Fapper "a fucking wolf. we're in the middle of nowhere and wolves live there"
After being introduced to the antagonists, shit starts to go down. They have people keep watch during the night, but wolves don't care. They're master strategists with a thirst for human flesh. Night one results in Otzi entering my nightmares and the mexican getting eaten while he's trying to go potty. Morning comes and Fapper decides their only hope in hell is to try and get to the woods on the other side of the plain where their plane crashed. The woods. The ones you're supposed to avoid as a child so you don't get eaten by wolves. Brilliant! On the way, we lose another person to some bloodthirsty vagrants. Numbers are down to five and things are starting to get heated as one of the miners thinks it's unfair that Fapper, the survivalist badass and the only one among them with any idea about how to navigate their predicament, is a tyrant and they should vote on a leader. Brilliant. The stupid dumb-dumb who was causing a fuss decides to attack Fapper with a knife and gets pwnd. He is then attacked by a wolf, which they kill and eat. Wolf is a delicacy in the frozen, uninhabited north.
Losing track of time, their progress is halted by a brrrizzard and they spoon for days on end. When the blizzard lets up, they realize the black guy is dead and their group is no longer racially diverse. Continuing on. They come to a massive cliff and an river that they can follow to the sea. One of them jumps from the cliff to trees on the other side (daaaammmmmnn) and a rope is strung between the two for the other three to cross. Two cross and the third decides it's best to fray the rope and swing to his death. He succeeds in his venture and is promptly eaten by the wolves which apparently know the real way down the cliff. Shots of the remaining three marching through the woods followed by the asshole who attacked Fapper deciding that he should probably call it quits and what better place to do so than in beautiful wherever the fuck they are. What courage. He gets eaten.
They're being chased! Along a river! Stupid guy wants do a polar bear plunge and drowns. Tragic. Fapper is left alone, wondering why jeebus has forsaken him, and introspecting his previous attempt at suicide when he realizes that he's in the middle of the wolves' den. Right smack dab at the center of their wolfy operations. Wolf headquarters. He looks up to see the alpha male atop a snowy knoll and you just know it's on. Alpha v alpha. The wolf, being a gentleman, gives Fapper ample time to, well you know... tape a knife to one hand and a bunch of those cute little liquor bottles between the fingers of the other (which he proceeds to break. Jagged glass, yo). Fapper says a little prayer that his father said to him when he was but a wee lad (which will be said below) and they jump at each other black to credits. The credits roll and we find out that no wolves were harmed in the making of the film. Then after the credits, we get a five-second shot of Fapper and Alpha laying next to each other and I swear they were sharing a cigarette.
***SPOILER ALERT***
Oops. Probably should have put that somewhere before I spoiled everything.
"Once more into the fray
Into the last good fight I'll ever know
For Raezak
For Raezak"
- Fapper
Raezak Am.
