Turkey day, bishes!

Izaak here.

     I know that this post may be somewhat upsetting for my single reader who was really enjoying my review of shit-tastic music, but it's "turkey day, bishes" and I figured I should write about the holiday that, despite the war on obesity, continues to pop buttons and induce food-comas year after turkey-fisting year. It's a magical time of eating, thanking, drinking, eating, fisting, and apparently filling out applications for jury duty. It's basically christmas minus the presents and church, but drawing similarities between holidays is a crime against nature that I won't soon be committing.

     We all know the history of Thanksgiving. Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue, some other stupid shit happened, and native americans graciously taught the pilgrims to fist turkeys as thanks for the blue beads and small pox. Now we have a vindictive serial-killer turkey running around killing white folks and making low-budget dark comedies. It's long been thought that creating tasteful art in honor of the great turkey will appease it and quell its thirst for human blood - well gobble gobble motherfuckers. Nobody makes stupid ass hand-turkeys after kindergarten and trillions of people suffer from tripp-toe-fan poisoning every holiday because of it. I know this doesn't much have anything to do with the average american's thanksgiving day, but my mind makes strange connections and I figured everybody should know that our eternal suffering is solely a result of our own ignorance. I recommend that it become standard practice to nail a paper hand-turkey to the door of every house celebrating thanksgiving  to ward off the killer turkey, lest we all have our fathers killed and our girlfriends made-love-to by a psycho turkey.

     Now back to talking about real more pertinent things. Thanksgiving is a time for being with people OH MY GOD THEY HAVE SLAVES IN MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET.... people you love, watching movies that celebrate racial segregation, and eating far too much. I know my family is separated this year by thousands of miles, douche-baggery, and oldness, but we'll all still celebrate what we have and what we've been given.

     I'm thankful for my family, my friends, and generally everything I've been given. All that has gone into making me the person I am today, except for MacBooks because they're pieces of shit that just happen to be impossible to type on efficiently. This has taken me more than twenty minutes to write because I have to keep going back and correcting myself. Happy thanksgiving everybody! Tell everybody around you how important they are in your life and remember to put p the paper turkey. I'm off to break this stupid computer and put together a huge celebration of the death of Steve Jobs!

"Raezak is a jewel, to set in the hearts of

 honest men; but be careful that you do not take the

gifts of We and leave out the gratitude" 

E.P. Powell

Raezak Am.

So Terrible...

Hello again, my pretties.

     After a week of R&R, visits to the doctor, and countless hours of digging  crusty blood out of my ears, I once again feel prepared to volunteer myself as a musical martyr. I'm actually not that upset about the title. I don't mind subjecting myself to horrible music... as long as it's for short periods of time and nothing by The Shaggs ever comes up again. Also, this time I'll actually be hearing things by or pertaining to our generation and, for those of you who know me, I'm a huge advocate of listening to said music.

     This first one is something I know we all have feelings about. Memories forever tied to what is apparently considered to be one of the worst songs ever made. "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the Baja Men was a part of my childhood. There was a point in time when it was impossible to go out in public without hearing this torrid, late-nineties party anthem. Every UM home game that year opened with all of the players running our and being introduced to that song. Every school dance started jumping when the song came on. No doubt a classic, but let's take a closer look at this Bahamian junkanoo wonder. First off, the beat is pretty undeniable. Maybe this is a result of having the song hardwired into my brain, but I still want to sing along with this song. Lyrically, they sing about how men are dogs and they need to bang. I don't care if their subliminal messaging  fed our sex-crazed culture and reinforced racial stereotypes immensely, all I remember is the chorus and everybody having a good time screaming it. 7/10

     "The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)" by The Cheeky Girls. Before I listen, allow me to say that I'm titillated. The Cheeky Girls are twins. Romanian twins. This song is the first off of their debut album so it comes as no surprise that they'd spend the entire length of it shouting that they ARE the cheeky girls and that everybody else is a cheeky boy. Everything about these ladies is cheeky. Cheeky clubs, cheeky songs, cheeky Christmas, touch my bum, this is life. I think this is the type of group that is hired as a face for the music, similar to Britney Spears, Rihanna, Madonna, and Comadre. The only difference is that the people behind Cheeky Girls suck. They hired morons to sing moronic music for them and they failed (at life). The last bit of news about the group is that one of them was caught stealing groceries. I know this doesn't have anything to do with the music, but the overbearing stupidity that went into the track is only revealed outside of the music. Another nice beat, similar to something that Aqua would release. 3/10

     "(It's Time to) Beat Dat Beat" by DJ Pauly D. Duuuuuuuuude nobody can actually like this. Like the last two songs, the beat is kinda cool. The only problem is that throughout the song he announces that he is a guido and it's a way of life. Nobody can respect some one who was on Jersey Shore. DJ Pauly D, you're a piece of shit plain and simple. It takes him twenty-five minutes to do his hair and he has a tanning bed in his house. This person's existence is a joke. Halfway through the song he pauses and performs a soliloquy, not that he knows what that is, stating "Yo, how come every time I'm DJin' there be a hot ass girl but she got an ugly ass friend? Come on, man. I ain't got no time for that. I'm only dealing in 9's and 10's, not 3's and 4's. So if you're trying to get into my DJ booth and you tyrin' to come home with me, DJ Pauly D, then you and yo friends better come correct. There'll be no grenades tonight". Whatever the fuck that means. It probably means he wants women to hit the gym, hit the tanning beds, and do their laundry like he does. In fact, he invented all three of those things - GTL FOR LIFE. This man is what's wrong with humanity and for that there can be no forgiveness. 1/10

     I forgot this one before, but I have room and time for "The Millenium Prayer" by Cliff Richard. Well the whole song is just a dilapidated old man saying The Lord's Prayer to the beat of another song. I don't know what else there is to say about it, as I don't want to get into the details of my hate-induced love affair with Jesus. It was written for Jesus and loved by those who love Jesus and, being such, it made its way to the top of the best-selling charts. My heart throbs for Jesus, but my knife hand swings to and fro for this song. 0/10

     "Baby" by Justin Bieber. I'm going to sit on this and come back in a few hours when I have caffeine in me. These next two songs are worthy of being my thesis (don't steal my ideas!!!) and I will pay them their dues. Actually, I went ahead and listened to the last song on this list and it's worthy of so much of my hatred that I'm going to have to cut this post short, lest I rant for several novels.

     This post won't end in the traditional way, as I've simply cut it in half so that my bored readers won't become any more boreder.

To be continued...

This sounds terrible

     So I decided that I owe people a review on music because I've been putting it off for a while and I'm sure my single follower is pretty peeved. So I also decided that this review on music should be pretty important and pertinent. So I decided that, in accordance with my blogging policies, it should be informative and truthful. So I decided that it should so totally be about - THE WORST MUSIC EVER.

     Now I know one of you is thinking that this is a subjective topic and I can't just go around picking on music because I personally don't enjoy it, but this is about THE WORST MUSIC EVER. That means it's universal. I went to Wikipedia and looked up what are considered to be the worst songs ever made. I will then listen to each song, on my ballin' headphones, and tell you all how I feel about it. Then, when it's all said and done, I'll contribute a few songs that I personally feel belong on the list. So without further ado, here are THE WORST songs EVER.

     First we have a song titled "I Want My Baby Back" by Jimmy Cross. Holy Shit. It opens with some idiot whining about how he wants his baby back... alright. He starts telling the story of how he lost his "baby", which is probably code for... no... it's about a person. He was driving down a highway in a car with no brakes... in the rain... and he swerved to avoid a car stopped on the road... and his baby flew out of the car and was literally torn to pieces, as he says "There was my baby... and over there was my baby... and waaaay over there was my baby". It breaks into another ten seconds of terrible singing before looping the sound of a shovel going into dirt and he says "I really dig you, baby" and "pay dirt!". Maybe he's selling her jewelry. It ends with the sound of a coffin opening and him hinting at necrophilia. Overall I think it was pretty good. Engaging. Humorous. Arousing. I give it a 3/10.

     Next is "Macarthur Park" by Richard Harris. All I'm saying is this guy definitely left the cake out in the rain. It just makes no sense. Is it an attempt at something deep? People don't just put cakes outside for no reason, especially if there's a chance of rain. Toward the end, it goes into something a bit more cheery. Like the opening of a stupid eighties sitcom when it shows all of the characters and they turn and smile at the camera. It had a pretty large window of opportunity for recovery, but he talks about watery cake again and ruins it. Stupid. Dumb. Fat. The only redeeming part of this song is that it gave me something weird to say to people. Cake in the rain. Wtf. 2/10. (I know that can be reduced, but think of it in terms of stars)

     "Philosophy of the World" by The Shaggs. The philosophy of the world... according to three overweight teenage girls in the sixties. Didn't they know that nobody would give a shit? According to my roommate, Dadpants', theory on the correlation between weight and personality, these girls are boring as hell. Turns out that Dadpants is spot-on in this situation. The song is just them hitting random chords and "singing" "The rich people want what the poor people's got, the poor people want what the rich people's got. And the skinny people want what the fat people's got, and the fat people want what the skinny people's got". Jesus Christ. It's so awful. How did they get a record deal? The drummer isn't even staying with the beat and the singer sounds like she's deaf. I hope the people at their first live show broke their instruments and stabbed them with the pieces. Oh wait, they made music and toured for EIGHT YEARS. Next song. 0/10

     "(You're) Having My Baby" by Paul Anka. It's a song by a guy who wants to thank his lady for having his baby. I don't even know what to say about this song... Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, nobody gives a shit about you and your stupid love of pregnancy. The song is weird and creepy, with him stating that she could have had an abortion but she kept the baby because she loves him. Or maybe she's religious. Either way, she "loves him and loves what he's done to her/ what happening to her body". Just wait until childbirth, bitch. "That seed inside ya baby, do ya feel it growin'?". Enough said. 2/10

     "Dance with Me" by Reginald Bosanquet. This is a dance song composed of bass, drums, and cowbell. And a fucking creepy old man narrating throughout. Again, this is just strange. I think this song would be fine as instrumental, but the guy talking is so distracting that it's impossible to enjoy. Listening to the lyrics, we find that oh jesus it's so hard to type with this in the background FUCK. If anybody has seen the episode of Family Guy where they make fun of British porn, just imagine that, but a guy instructing all the ladies to dance. 2/10

     "We Built this City" by Starship. This is one of those songs that just makes you want to slap the artist and scream at them. Though nowhere near as bad as The Shaggs, it's still pretty painful. They talk about how they built their city by dancing and sticking it to the man. What kind of lesson is this teaching the youth? You can accomplish a lot by doing nothing? Apparently all of the Occupy-ers were raised jamming to this song. Low blow? Good. They bash corporations and shun commerce while wearing the most fashionable clothing and hairstyles and selling their albums via record label. I wish I could make a living being a hypocrite. 2/10

     "Heartbeat" by Don Johnson. I have to include the music video in this one. I'm just really confused about what the message of this song is. It opens with him stating that he's not a gold digger while the video shows some militant black guy putting on a do-rag and Don Johnson himself filming things in a war zone... I think? He runs and dives for cover and a bomb goes off... right where he just dove. Everything about this is messy. He wants a heart that beats the same as his. He's been standing by the fire, but he can't feel the heat. It seems like he has a medical problem. He creeps on this girl, filming her in the streets, and is filming a war at the same time. In the end, he dies in a fiery explosion and her face is superimposed over his death. Oh girl I never knew, I'll never forget you. Eff. 4/10

     Well I'm thinking this is going to have to be a series of posts, as I'm only through the eighties and my ears are bleeding profusely. I'll get up to present in the next post and give my own nominations following that. In the meantime, I suggest that nobody listen to any of the songs mentioned previously except in an attempt to relate to my messages. Guten tag, meinen schönen.

"I was born with Raezak inside me. Raezak was one of my parts.

Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. Raezak

was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene.

 Raezak was a necessity for me - like food or water."

Ray Charles

Raezak Am.

What the?... hang on

Izaak here. (吮吸它)

    It's been quite some time since my last post and my beautiful calligraphy will do the talking on how I feel about that. Now I know that I promised something along the lines of a review on music at the end of my last blog, since I haven't really reviewed anything but life and we all know that sucks. Well I'm going to take it down a notch and say that my promise was looser than my gay uncle Oprah. It holds no bearing, seeing as it was made by some overly-opinionated and not-so-well-worded loser typing a blog. In lieu of posting about some band that I listen to (which probably sucks), I'm going to be a bit festive and let errrybody know how I feel about Halloween.

     All-Hallows Eve became famous for being the evening before All-Hallows Day, which is like being given a participation medal in a breathing contest. It was traditionally a time for people to run around raping, pillaging, murdering, cannibalizing, having blood-orgies with Satan, giving candy to children, or committing any other conceivable horror or atrocity possible. All this, of course, is to give you-know-who the middle finger for having contacted a select few humans, while leaving the majority to ponder their pitiful existence. You-know-who then allows respite for some of these cretins in exchange for another year of ignorant silence from the rest.

     People became tired of the traditions. "What? Just another virgin sacrifice followed by the gang-rape of anything we consider to be demonic? But that's what we've done since I was eleven". Nonetheless, people trudged along through time, obediently imitating the actions of their ancestors without cause... That is until MURRIKAH came along and invented candy! (along all the drugs that one could ever possibly want to inconspicuously inject into the candy they oh-so-charitably give away, filling children with obedience, oober far out trippy hallucinations, obesity, and reason to begin mugging early)

     It's now a vicious cycle, fed by sugar-crazed children and equally sex-crazed adults who want nothing more than for Def Leppard to chop down their door with an ax and fulfill their sick and twisted desires. Alright, girl who managed to make Sandy Squirrel seem like a cheap whore, I'll poor some sugar on you, but first allow me to say that:

this person was the best at ruining my childhood of all time. OF ALL TIME.

     Needless to say, I'm going to go out on Halloween; drink a little, dress like a slut, maybe have a blood orgy with Satan. But who's to judge if it's been deemed acceptable by Raezak? Raezak am wanting the followers of We to be fat, drunk, and scantily-clad when they enter the great vat of marination that is the afterlife. Now what I need everybody to take away from this is that, even though modern Halloween may just be a corporate scheme fed by the substance abuse and sin of the masses, it doesn't mean we can't have a good time.

     I understand that I'm posting this well after the festivities of Halloween have taken place, but I'll refer you, once again, to the calligraphy at the top of the page in case you've forgotten how I treat my fan base/cultists. I'll legitimately post again within the week, reviewing: The Worst Songs EVAAAAARRR.

"Raezak wraps fear in innocence,

As though it were a slightly sour sweet.

Let terror, then, be turned into a treat..."

Nicholas Gordon

Raezak Am.

P.S. I hope my roommates encountered somebody dressed as Hey Dude's Danny Lightfoot so that all of their wet dreams would come true. I also hope that this individual was able to effectively convey to them that shows from the early nineties are no longer cool and that Danny Lighfoot is an abhorrent douchebag.