Hello again, my pretties.
After a week of R&R, visits to the doctor, and countless hours of digging crusty blood out of my ears, I once again feel prepared to volunteer myself as a musical martyr. I'm actually not that upset about the title. I don't mind subjecting myself to horrible music... as long as it's for short periods of time and nothing by The Shaggs ever comes up again. Also, this time I'll actually be hearing things by or pertaining to our generation and, for those of you who know me, I'm a huge advocate of listening to said music.
This first one is something I know we all have feelings about. Memories forever tied to what is apparently considered to be one of the worst songs ever made. "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the Baja Men was a part of my childhood. There was a point in time when it was impossible to go out in public without hearing this torrid, late-nineties party anthem. Every UM home game that year opened with all of the players running our and being introduced to that song. Every school dance started jumping when the song came on. No doubt a classic, but let's take a closer look at this Bahamian junkanoo wonder. First off, the beat is pretty undeniable. Maybe this is a result of having the song hardwired into my brain, but I still want to sing along with this song. Lyrically, they sing about how men are dogs and they need to bang. I don't care if their subliminal messaging fed our sex-crazed culture and reinforced racial stereotypes immensely, all I remember is the chorus and everybody having a good time screaming it. 7/10
"The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)" by The Cheeky Girls. Before I listen, allow me to say that I'm titillated. The Cheeky Girls are twins. Romanian twins. This song is the first off of their debut album so it comes as no surprise that they'd spend the entire length of it shouting that they ARE the cheeky girls and that everybody else is a cheeky boy. Everything about these ladies is cheeky. Cheeky clubs, cheeky songs, cheeky Christmas, touch my bum, this is life. I think this is the type of group that is hired as a face for the music, similar to Britney Spears, Rihanna, Madonna, and Comadre. The only difference is that the people behind Cheeky Girls suck. They hired morons to sing moronic music for them and they failed (at life). The last bit of news about the group is that one of them was caught stealing groceries. I know this doesn't have anything to do with the music, but the overbearing stupidity that went into the track is only revealed outside of the music. Another nice beat, similar to something that Aqua would release. 3/10
"(It's Time to) Beat Dat Beat" by DJ Pauly D. Duuuuuuuuude nobody can actually like this. Like the last two songs, the beat is kinda cool. The only problem is that throughout the song he announces that he is a guido and it's a way of life. Nobody can respect some one who was on Jersey Shore. DJ Pauly D, you're a piece of shit plain and simple. It takes him twenty-five minutes to do his hair and he has a tanning bed in his house. This person's existence is a joke. Halfway through the song he pauses and performs a soliloquy, not that he knows what that is, stating "Yo, how come every time I'm DJin' there be a hot ass girl but she got an ugly ass friend? Come on, man. I ain't got no time for that. I'm only dealing in 9's and 10's, not 3's and 4's. So if you're trying to get into my DJ booth and you tyrin' to come home with me, DJ Pauly D, then you and yo friends better come correct. There'll be no grenades tonight". Whatever the fuck that means. It probably means he wants women to hit the gym, hit the tanning beds, and do their laundry like he does. In fact, he invented all three of those things - GTL FOR LIFE. This man is what's wrong with humanity and for that there can be no forgiveness. 1/10
I forgot this one before, but I have room and time for "The Millenium Prayer" by Cliff Richard. Well the whole song is just a dilapidated old man saying The Lord's Prayer to the beat of another song. I don't know what else there is to say about it, as I don't want to get into the details of my hate-induced love affair with Jesus. It was written for Jesus and loved by those who love Jesus and, being such, it made its way to the top of the best-selling charts. My heart throbs for Jesus, but my knife hand swings to and fro for this song. 0/10
"Baby" by Justin Bieber. I'm going to sit on this and come back in a few hours when I have caffeine in me. These next two songs are worthy of being my thesis (don't steal my ideas!!!) and I will pay them their dues. Actually, I went ahead and listened to the last song on this list and it's worthy of so much of my hatred that I'm going to have to cut this post short, lest I rant for several novels.
This post won't end in the traditional way, as I've simply cut it in half so that my bored readers won't become any more boreder.
To be continued...
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