I get on here an entire month after straying from the tween-beats path only to find that I had never even written a single stupid word about Sir Bieber and his incredible counterpart Ms Rebecca Black I. I say counterpart and label Ms Black as royalty because Teh Beebs has probably been knighted (we all know how Lizzy gets her rocks off) and he's a dumb shithead (shi-theed) and Ms Black is at the pinnacle of all who follow the "haters gon' hate" motto.
These tween sensations have the gents by the throat and the ladies by the over-sized, probably asymmetrical labia minora. At no point in time, other than when The Beatles, aka Jesi number two through seven, ran train on the world, has there been such a stupid following. I refer, of course, to Teh Beebs' fame and Ms Black's lack thereof. If some sixteen year old whose only claim to fame is making a lesbian haircut famous can be a millionaire, then the world's most talented singer/educator should most certainly be revered by all. Though I digress. I shouldn't so prominently voice my opinion, in order to allow an unbiased opinion to form among my own two-person following. Let's take a look at what these kids have to offer us.
Justin Bieber - Baby. It's basically just a song about a boy who suffers from some form of developmental stutter trying to fall in love and... I'm being consumed by it. No, not the song. The utter ridiculousness that is Teh Beebs. First thing I notice upon loading the video for the song... it has nearly seven hundred million views. Who the hell would ever watch this for anything other than empirical research? Are half of the people on this planet really claiming to be scientists like myself?
It starts with Teh Beebs bowlin' strikes and, like a true religious zealot, claiming women as property. Props for Bieber? The song is just bass clap bass bass clap and screechy strings in the chorus beautifully intertwined to emphasize the girly voice of a Canadian eunuch, suffering from a stutter most likely caused by castration. Well the song sucks, but maybe the video will remain fruitful. Drake hangs out with Justin Bieber; paraplegics and eunuchs fo lyfe! I'm really stuck on his voice and the idea of him being a eunuch (truth!). "Baby fix me", your parents did that long ago. "Shake me so I can wake from this bad dream", he seems to be propagating the idea that real men need testicles. His first love is running from him, despite his bribery and force. SHIIIIIITTT Luda's in the hizzy! Luda's been heartbroken ever since his first love turned him down at the age of thirteen. How quaint. They're now reenacting the dance scene from Westside Story and Luda is choking out Teh Beebs. I honestly don't really know what to make of any of it. I'm just perturbed by his voice. I've looked up recent interviews and it's still just as high.
Overall, it's meh. I don't even think that Dez and Edelle of Running Scared would give him any stars, but that's probably because they've already had their way with him (teehee). Maybe those were his parents in the movie... at least it had Paul Walker in it. Beebs fo lyfe fo sho, but not cuz uh his muzik. It's cuz uh his street cred. 1/10
Well now that we're done with that purple-filled shitshow (shit-show), we can move on to something a bit more true to life.
Rebecca Black - Friday. I don't even need to watch/hear this masterpiece to claim it as #1 song of 2011. She is just so down-to-earth and real. Her music touches my soul just as her face touches Fursula's fists. I know I've called her rude names in the past like "thirteen", but she's so fourteen now and I'm so ready to accept her as president of the world. The song itself is fairly plain; written by a 13 YEAR-OLD and made into a music video for her 13TH birthday. She likes to have fun and has some trouble making impromptu decisions. I can honestly say that I feel her and I think we'd get along swimmingly. I don't, however, condone her raucous partying habits and her hanging out with random Rolex-wearing 40 year olds even if it is only to make music.
The music video opens with Rebecca Black's stylized face singing the opening verse as a calender flips through her schedule for the week. Mondays are crazy, Tuesdays are fast, Wednesdays are for music, she is.... was... conceived by Thursday??, and... she falls in love every Friday. I don't know if I see eye-to-eye with her on those, but I'll continue watching. She goes through her morning routine and goes to her bus stop to catch her bus. Upon arrival, a bunch of underage drivers roll up and beckon her into the vehicle. Though, rather than thinking back a few years to her being taught about strangers and deciding whether or not to ride with them, she ponders which rapist/kidnapper/murderer she would like to snuggle up to. In the front we have: future hooker and grand theft auto. In the back we have: studious girl struggling internally and troll boy who has trouble control his facial muscles. In Rebecca's defense (yeah, we're on a first-name basis), the options aren't so good and most assuredly confounding. She chooses to sit in the back between troll-boy and the girl whose apparent internal struggle was about her feelings for Rebecca. Luckily, Ms Black is an understanding person and allows the troll to drool on her and the girl to touch her thigh.
OH GOD! Now comes the partying and the hanging out with random forty-year olds. They're driving down the highway, standing out of the convertible. Hooker and Car thief have been replaced by Federally Commissioned diversity hires, and the back-seaters have been replaced with more-normal looking girls, one of which is her friend. They arrive at the party and Rebecca is immediately picked up by the alpha thirteen-year old wearing the v-neck. While they do things unseen, we're treated to another glimpse of her stylized face as she reminds us what the days of the week are (thank god). She doesn't want the weekend to end and, lucky for her, her new dealer Patrice Wilson of ARK Music Factory is in the house and he's fucking EDGY. He's in the front side, the back seat, switching lanes, fast lane, cop by his side. He screams at a school bus full of children because it's friday night and he is on drugs. At the end it becomes a power ballad, with Rebecca's voice masterfully layered as her fellow party-goers mosh on around her. Fun, fun.... fun, fun. Now I'm looking forward to the weekend.
A song and video that will challenge scholars for decades to come, Ms Black has left a lasting imprint on us all. 7/10
Well that's all for now, but look forward to my submissions for WORST SONG EVERRRRrrrrr
"I think Raezak in itself is healing. It's something we are
all touched by. No matter what culture we're from,
everybody loves Raezak"
Billy Joel
P.S. In regard to my comment about The Queen of England getting off to Justin Bieber - it is only my opinion and I do not claim to represent her. She is a wonderful lady.
Raezak Am
